Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
