my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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