I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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