i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just blew my weed a kiss
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Come share oat with me in your robe
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