i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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