Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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