My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize