i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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