i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
