then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
