Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
