Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
