My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
