If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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