can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
