please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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