Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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