I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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