I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
