Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
