Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
