You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
