Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize