So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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