I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
