could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
