No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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