Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
