I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
