Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
