Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
