I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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