Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
