well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
