can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
