They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
