i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
