the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
