My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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