And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
