I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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