I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
