I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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