Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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