Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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