this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize