just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
