i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize