When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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