Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
home. puking in laundry basket.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
