Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
