Just fell off a train. Bad.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
