I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
