Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My ATM looks so different sober.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
