My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
