found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
