I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
