Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
